Shitty Food Porn: 7-Eleven Taiwan

No joke, I hit up a convenience store at least once a day here in Taipei. Often, twice or more. They take the “convenience” part seriously in Asia. Pay your bills? 7-Eleven. Ship a package? 7-Eleven. Really-damn-decent and reasonably-priced cup of coffee? 7-Eleven. Hungry and not feeling like translating a menu that’s all in Chinese? Yeah, bud… 7-Eleven. 

And for the most part, the food is pretty good, for what it is. Along with the usual chips and candies and sodas, they carry pastas, sandwiches, burgers, rice bowls, sushi-esque rolls, bento boxes… And it all gets replaced daily. After a night of heavy drinking, I’d wander into the 7-Eleven for a carb-laden booze-sponge to tear into, and be told that my meal had expired minutes ago and to find something else. 12:07am. Dammit. It looked fine to me!

But for all the great food they DO have, 7-Eleven has some equally fucked up creations. Here’s three of my favorites.

The “Burrito”

God damn was I excited when I saw this debut over the winter. MICROWAVABLE BURRITO? IN TAIWAN?

711burrito

Hard no. I can’t even imagine who thought this one up. Or the panel of people who taste-tested and approved it. About the only thing they got right was the tortilla. The cheese is mozzarella. The “salsa” is marinara. Fine, maybe it’s some sort of Italian burrito. Wait… Is that a damn hot-dog?!

711burritoglam

That’s what I think about that.

The “Sandwich”

711sandwichpackage

Honestly, the vast majority of the sandwiches are good. Tuna salad, egg salad, ham and cheese. Even the weird breaded pork cutlet variety has its place. But this? THIS?!

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I hate the burrito, viscerally. This is just some new level of pants-on-head retarded. Some part of me understands the hot-dog burrito. It fits the form. But then they went and poorly fit hot-dog slices into a SANDWICH. AND THEY CARRY HOT-DOGS. They know what they look like! They know how and why they fit in a bun! The outside bread bit is the only part of this that’s halfway edible. And they ruined that by slathering both halves with ketchup.

The Gravy… Cheese… Rice… Bowl?

gravyricepackage

Somehow, I drink enough that that looks appealing about twice a month. It’s not good, it’s edible, and it even makes for a pretty damn cost effective bulk-cycle meal. And it’s still shit. I can’t read the packaging, but I figured this for some sort of pasta the first time I picked it up.

So you’re 7-Eleven and you’re coming up with the newest, hottest culinary creation. Where do you start? FUCKING HOT-DOGS, of course. And why not dice up a lone potato and distribute it over 100 or so of these bowls. Next… cheese. For some reason, shredded and diced. Like MAYBE this thing was cobbled together from the leftovers of better meals.

And the sauce… It seems like it should be alfredo, and with that much cheese on top, maybe you could pretend it was. You get gravy instead. I can’t even find anything else in 7-ELEVEN with gravy on it. It turns out this whole debacle of a dish might have been premeditated after all.

gravyricehalf

Then throw the whole fucking thing on top of rice… RICE?! And for whatever reason, I keep eating it.

Bonus: Lonely God Potato Twists

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For the name alone. What does it mean? Someone get god a friend.

To be fair, they sell these everywhere here. But I saw them first at 7-Eleven. And if you’re looking for some edible, lightly-salted packing peanuts, boy do I have some garbage for you.

lonelygodshelf

And they come in all sorts of flavors: seaweed, shrimp, bacon, and baby angel.

Mmm.. Baby angel.

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